I had my appointment with Dr. A today before my first 3-week dose of Herceptin and Zometa. It was our first visit since my little side trip to the hospital, and also the first time we met since she was to confer with her radiologist friend about my PET scan results.
She still hasn’t talked to Cliff, but she did review my results with her in-house colleagues and they’ve decided that I don’t have a metastatic spot, I just have a regular old sternum with no cancer in it.
I guess one of the things that can happen when you have a large baby is that the lower part of your sternum (the xiphoid process) can either break or bend and protrude forward toward the skin. J, my oldest, was big. Very big. 10 pound 13 ounces and 23 1/2 inches long to be exact (and since the next question typically is “You didn’t have him naturally did you?” the answer is yes, I had him vaginally, but I had an epidural). So, for the last 10 years, I’ve been waltzing around with a protruding xiphoid process. Who knew?
Anyway, when the doctors reviewed the PET scan and the underlying CT scan, they saw that my xiphoid process was bent and that this invariably leads to larger than normal uptake of the radioactive isotope and thus the glow during the PET scan. This is the first reason that they believe the spot isn’t metastatic. Secondly, the CT scan showed no underlying tumor or pitting of the bone (which is typical of cancer infiltrating the bone and metastasizing). And so, based on all the knowledge in the room, the docs are almost certain that the metastasis is, in fact, not a metastasis.
I don’t know how to explain the relief that I feel. I am very happy beyond measure.. This is the kind of happy that I’ve felt few times in my life: my wedding day and the first time I held each of the boys. I hope that you all know that kind of happy, regardless of what life event you celebrated. Bottom line: I feel as if I can take on life and do anything at all.
However, almost concurrently, self-preservation mode kicks in, and I’m reserved, and entertaining when-is-the-other-shoe-going-to-drop thoughts. I want to believe that things are going to be all right, but somewhere during my journey I’ve lost that innocence. This adage is perfect: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” I’m old and jaded and scared to stray too far into euphoria for fear of being crushed by another change in direction.
All that being said, I know that my fear will not stop the many of you who rejoice in the good news I receive. Since I am not quite there with you yet, I will celebrate all of you, and tell you all how much you mean to me.
I thank you for every kind word, email, card, note, wall post, and comment. I’ve read each and every one of them many, many times. They have carried me when it has been difficult to find the strength to move forward. Thank you for every prayer said in my honor; I am blessed beyond measure. Thank you for reading and following my progress. I am always shocked when I publish a new post and so many of you come to check it out.
I look forward to the next phase of this journey. Moving forward out of chemo and into surgery and radiation will bring new challenges and lessons. I cannot wait to share them all with you.
sarahfeather said,
February 22, 2010 at 9:38 pm
WaaahoooOooooo!!! So fabulous. Revel in it!
Big hug,
Sarah
Zenny said,
February 22, 2010 at 9:47 pm
Wow! I just couldn’t be happier. I’m beaming for you. My husband just asked what I’m smiling about. I know you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I have to tell you I think your unexpected second diagnosis of breast cancer WAS the other shoe. I truly believe in my heart that, when you’re done with treatments and reconstruction this time, you’ll be done for good. Love you!
stephanie luzny said,
February 22, 2010 at 9:49 pm
WONDERFUL NEWS!!!!!!
I am so happy for all of you, and especially YOU! Wow. You so deserve this!!!
alyson pollack said,
February 22, 2010 at 11:18 pm
Amazing News!! Thrilled beyond beleif..
debbi chartash said,
February 23, 2010 at 8:45 am
I bet your smile can’t be bigger!!! love, debbi
Melody Maziar said,
February 23, 2010 at 8:52 am
I have chills reading this! You mean so much to me and wonderful news for you makes me very happy too!! love, love.
Audrey said,
February 23, 2010 at 11:16 am
Wow, that’s awesome news! I am so happy for you. Good luck on your next and final stage of this journey!
Polly Wade said,
February 23, 2010 at 11:52 am
I can understand your fear. And I look forward to when you can yell WOO HOO!!!!!!!! with me.
Natasha said,
February 23, 2010 at 1:50 pm
I’m breathing a sigh of relief for you. And I’m beyond glad to hear the news. Thanks for sharing the information about the protruding xiphoid process. I learned something new today–and since I had a giant boy, I probably have one of those too. Sending you lots of love, as always!
Amy Filipek said,
February 23, 2010 at 4:59 pm
Eileen,
This is fantastic news!!!!!! I know we haven’t been in touch since our old LEC days but you have been in my thoughts so much lately. I would love to reconnect with you and Chris. I continue to trust that all will be well with your health. Much love to you and yours.
Patty said,
February 23, 2010 at 6:03 pm
“The journey of life takes us through many times of happiness and sadness. We remember the happy times as the most loved and enriching experiences of all. Although the sad times do not outwardly appear to benefit us, they are, in reality, what builds strength and character in all of us.” ~ Scott Palmer.
I am so happy for all of you! You will exhale soon and begin to enjoy the happy times ahead for you and yours! Love to you all.
Kristen Brooks said,
February 23, 2010 at 7:40 pm
YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
art levy said,
February 23, 2010 at 7:44 pm
Just wanted to let you know that we are following you closely. I love good news. love Susan & Art
Emily Sanders said,
February 23, 2010 at 9:46 pm
Thrilled for your news and all that has been learned along this journey. You can definitely be a professional writer as you are so expressive! Thoughts and prayers continue to come your way. Our best to the entire family!
Annette Saldaña said,
February 23, 2010 at 11:42 pm
Yes indeed I know that relief, and even more – I do KNOW YOU to be someone who CAN take on life and do ANYTHING! So with that said, I want to share my happiness at the news (it makes me cry) and I want to know: What is it that you Ms. Eileen, want to do? I hope you will keep sharing and writing – but who knows maybe you’ll be directing movies next or flying kites in Marietta, whatever it is- I do hope you will keep sharing. Love you madly.
Annette
WeeHeather said,
February 24, 2010 at 6:07 am
This is brilliant news, Mrs, I understand your hesitance to celebrate, but we all know you are seriously rockin’ this!! Sending lots of “wee” hugs across that big ocean! xxx
David and Nedra said,
February 24, 2010 at 3:01 pm
We are thrilled with the news. Hugs and kisses from us both.
Pam Brill said,
February 24, 2010 at 8:09 pm
YES YES YES YES!!! Take that news and run with it.
Red said,
February 25, 2010 at 6:13 pm
Yay! All clear! I can understand your hesitance. I hope the relief washes over you in waves very soon. You’re amazing and I love ya!
Alysa Rosen said,
March 1, 2010 at 7:58 am
I JUST GOT CAUGHT UP W/THE LATEST NEWS!! GREAT NEWS THAT IS. TODAY IS YOUR DAY GOOD LUCK IN THERE AND MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU!!!!
Dainty said,
March 1, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Thinking of you today Eileenie!
Kathy Rarer said,
March 1, 2010 at 10:17 pm
You were so overdue for some good news. Yippee! Hope that today went well and that easy days are ahead for you.